Silver Bells

The other day I was running around like CRAZY.  I had 5 minutes to run inside, change, grab a few things, and get back in the car.  Forgetting that I had turned on the Christmas station on the radio, I flew back into the car, turned it on, and "Silver Bells" was playing.  It made me laugh that I was running like crazy and that this slow and peaceful song came on; I couldn't even feel rushed now that I was listening to this calm music.  It made me realize how I really need to slow down sometimes and just enjoy my life.

And, speaking of life, we have had a lot of fun recently.  The holidays can be crazy, but I love this time of year anyway.  For thanksgiving, Juan's brother came to town and got to meet Maia for the first time. We had a blast going to the beach...

....and to San Francisco

...and just hanging around together

 After that my roommate Sarah came to visit us.  I felt bad because it POURED the entire time she was here and there wasn't a whole lot that we could go and do.  BUT... we did go to the Monterrey Bay Aquarium ...

Maia loved looking at the fish.

My absolute favorite was the Jellies display that they had...

...and then before we took her to the airport we stopped in San Francisco and did Ghirardelli Square and Fisherman's Wharf (and a few other places)...

Such a little trooper.

Since then we have been working and waiting for Christmas to get here so that we can go to Texas and spend time with Juan's family.  In the meantime we went and cut down our own Christmas tree with my parents...

And of course it wouldn't be Christmas without getting a picture with Santa.  The girl who was taking the pictures was SHOCKED that Maia not only didn't cry, but that she was looking at the camera....she warned me before I handed Maia off to Santa that she would probably cry (like I haven't seen a MILLION crying baby Santa pictures before)....I'm guessing we will get that crying picture next year...haha.

Road Trip

Believe it or not I am a really shy person.  I have a really hard time making friends, mostly because I'm one of those people that tries to talk to someone and just CAN'T.  I make the whole situation awkward. You know the type of person I'm talking about...the kind that just somehow kills the conversation and then you are sitting there with nothing left to say but you don't want to just get up and leave...so you just sit there.  Ya, I'm like that with EVERYONE I meet.  And the worst part is, even once I have talked to you once or twice I'm STILL like that.  It is like a curse that wont go away.  So instead I avoid the situation completely (most of the time) and just don't even try to make friends (which honestly is a bummer because I really love having friends).  And, to top it all off, my lack of getting myself into those awkward situations sometimes comes off as being stuck up and people think I don't WANT to talk to them (not the case...I'm just SO bad at it).  

Anyway, the whole point of that rant was to say that it is really a bummer that I live so far away from most of my close friends.  Juan and I met in Idaho and most of our friends are either still there or are scattered all over the country.  My good friends from before college are scattered as well, though there are a few around (but of course, with life being crazy like it is, I don't get to see them very often).  That being said, I am grateful that our friends Dave and Gabrielle now live just outside of Sacramento.  Although it is about 2 1/2 hours away, we get to see them every now and then.  Last weekend they blessed their new baby in church and Juan, Maia and I got to go and visit.  It was Maia's very first "road trip" and she did GREAT.  

It was so much fun to meet their baby, Cohen (such a little cutie), and compare him to Maia so that I could remember just how little she once was (babies sure do change FAST).  

They kept holding hands...ALL by themselves

Maia looks like a monster next to Cohen

And, on Sunday Maia turned 3 months old!  I can't believe how fast time has flown by and yet I can't believe she has only been with us for 3 short months.  She has changed sooo much in the past 3 months.  She is holding herself up really well and she has started grabbing things a lot (and even though  I cut my hair she still manages to grab ahold and NOT let go).  The other day she grabbed my earring and I thought she was going to rip it right out of my ear...I guess it is time to re-evaluate the things I wear.  Pretty soon we will be baby-proofing the apartment because she will be getting into everything. 

 

Trial and Error

I feel like everything in my life lately is Trial and Error (with a lot more error than trial).  Most of this probably comes from the fact that I am now a mother and parenting in and of itself seems to be mostly trial and error.  I wish my baby (and my life for that matter) came with an instruction manual.  The problem is that every baby and everyones life is sooo different.  What works for one might not work for another.

I was thinking about this a lot the past 2 days as I got NO sleep yet again.  I decided to try putting Maia in her own room in her BIG crib.  She is a REALLY long baby and I just don't see her fitting in her bassinet much longer, so I thought it was worth a try.  Well, it turned out to be an epic fail, to say the least.  Not only was putting her to bed much harder (getting her into the crib takes a lot more effort than putting her in her bassinet...It took 2 tries both nights to get her in without waking her up), but she only stayed asleep for about an hour and a half both nights.  When you have to work the next day, this is not a good thing.  Thankfully Juan got up with her and took her for a few hours both nights...otherwise I'm pretty sure I would have died.  But seriously, if I could have had an instruction manual that said: "If you try putting Maia in her crib she wont sleep more than an hour and a half" I would have saved myself some serious sleep (which, since she JUST started sleeping more 2 weeks ago, I should have just waited longer before trying out the crib.  NO sleep is just still way too close to home for me).  Needless to say, she slept in the bassinet again last night (for 6 1/2 hours!).

As for the instruction manual....I need one that tells me things like "wait 5 more minutes and then put her down," "let her cry for 1 more minute and she will start to settle down," etc.  When she was first born it would have been nice to know that she needed a specific blanket so that she wouldn't break out of her swaddle and stay asleep (took me 8 weeks and a LOT of different blankets to figure that one out), that she likes to be SUPER warm (even if she sweats), to put her down more often (I don't know if this would have helped with the fact that she likes to be held all the time, but if it would have I sure would have liked to know it), and SO many other things.  Instead, it is all trial and error.  The only problem is, I feel like with a baby who grows and changes so fast there is often only error and no time for more trial.  Such is life :).

Dear Maia

I have never been one of those people who is good at keeping a journal.  I started this blog because of it....hoping that I would be better at typing a journal than writing one (and believe it or not I'm much better at this than writing one....even though I only post every now and then).  I think that writing to no one has always been weird to me.  I don't know how to just write and the whole "Dear Journal" or "Dear Diary' thing always made me feel weird for some reason.  So, ever since Maia was born, I have been keeping a "Dear Maia" journal.  It makes me feel like I have actually been writing to someone and I can write down the things that are going on in life (most of which revolve around Maia anyway).

Well, right now my journal is upstairs and I have a sleeping baby on me, which really makes me not want to get up (but I'm long overdue for a "Dear Maia" entry) so I figured I would just type it here and transfer it later.  So here it goes:

Dear Maia,

I can't believe you have been in my life for 2 months.  It feels like you just got here and like you have been here FOREVER all at the same time.  We went to the doctor for your 2 month check up and the doctor says you look great.  She commented about how attentive you are and how you hold eye contact very well (people have been commenting about this since you were 3 weeks old).  You are 12 lbs 1 oz (69th percentile) and 24 1/4 inches long, which is off the charts, but I think the nurse measured you wrong.  She measured you twice and the first time she said you were 23 3/4 inches...though a few people have mentioned that you look really long (and I agree).

I started work last week, which has been so hard.  I hate being away from you for even a few minutes while I go shower, so leaving for the whole day kills me.  I cried the first 2 days that I dropped you off (and still feel like crying when I think how much time I spend away from you) but I know you are in good hands since you are with your grammy.  There isn't anyone else in the world I would trust more to take good care of you.  Working is hard...I come home sooo tired and then I feel like I'm not as good of a mom to you (not to mention the fact that I'm so tired all the time that I'm not very good at work either...I feel like I'm just no good at anything right now).  On the plus side though, you are finally sleeping more (I hope I don't jinx it by saying it).  You are pretty much the best baby ever (and the smartest).  You must have known I was going back to work and needed to be getting more sleep because you didn't sleep for more than a half hour at a time for the first 8 weeks of your life (except a few very random times or unless I was holding you).  Well, the day before I went back to work you slept for 5 hours!!!  I couldn't believe it.  And every night since you have slept anywhere from 4-6.5 hours at a time (knock on wood).  What a tender mercy that has been in my life...thank you for that.

I think you are the most beautiful baby in the world...and other people seem to think you are pretty cute, too.  People I don't even know will stop me to say how beautiful and cute you are.  The things people talk about most are your HUGE beautiful eyes, your perfect little nose, and your hair (I can't tell you how many times I have heard "Did she come out with all that hair?").  You really are a gorgeous baby.

You only cry when you want or need something and you are a very easy baby to please and calm down.  There were about 2 weeks that you were harder to calm down, but those passed quickly.  Now I am really getting to know you.  You love to sit and talk to me and your daddy and your adorable smiles brighten my day.

You are kind of a mama's girl (you went through a phase where you would cry with just about everyone BUT me)...but I think you are starting to come out of that a bit.  You love the outdoors (your grandpa just spent the afternoon teaching you about trees and lemons and tomatoes and wind chimes) and you like to watch TV (it totally captivates you).  You are like Mary Poppins, "practically perfect in every way," and right now there really isn't a thing in the world that I would change about you.  I love you SO much and am so glad that you are mine and I get to keep you forever.  Please don't grow up too fast!

Love Always and Forever,

Mommy

The Truth About Becoming a Mom

I've been debating about whether or not to post this for a long time....and even after I decided to do it I just haven't had the time.  The truth is, this post doesn't really show me in the best of light...so if you are going to judge me AT ALL...you should just stop reading now.  For those of you who can put up with the good, the bad, the ugly, and the REALLY ugly....you have my permission to read on.

Everyone tells you that being a mom is hard.  Every time you hear it you wanna be like "well, duh!" of course it is hard...I mean what is easy about being responsible for another human being?  SERIOUSLY.  What really bothered me though, was people who would tell me this while I was pregnant.  That and people who would say "enjoy your sleep while you can" were my two biggest pet peeves while pregnant.  NOW, however, I realize why they all said what they did...they were really just trying to tell me that when I'm finally in it, and it is hard, I'm not alone (at least I like to think that is what they were trying to say)...but really I wish there was a different way in which they said it.  I have promised myself that I will try and refrain from saying these things to other pregnant people...because it is such a downer in such a happy occasion.

Now that I am a mom I have seen other moms and just don't understand how they do it and stay sooo happy and positive.  Now, maybe I am just totally weak, but I seriously just don't get it.  For the first few weeks after Maia was born, I was really just trying to keep her and me alive...and I really didn't have time or energy for anything else.  I had a baby who didn't sleep unless held, EVER, and so I didn't sleep for the first 6 weeks of her life.  You think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not.  I literally didn't sleep more than 2 1/2 hours in a night....and that was on a REALLY GOOD night (now I've given up and I just try and sleep while holding her).  I took the advice of "sleep when the baby is sleeping" which was only made possible by the fact that my mom lives close and Juan's mom was here helping for a week as well.  What I didn't realize was that by trying sooo hard to take a nap I forgot to eat.  I was then completely sleep deprived, dehydrated, and STARVING.  Those things are NOT a good combination, in case you couldn't figure that out for yourself.

I turned into a complete monster.  It was hard to figure out 2 new bodies at the same time, Maia's and mine.  She was brand new and I was completely 100% responsible for her well being and my body was NOT the body I was used to.  I would "wake up" in the morning (and yes, I mean morning would finally roll around after me not sleeping yet another night) and I would just completely break down.  Nights and mornings were the worst time of the day for me for some reason.  Poor Juan was dealing with me being a total control freak and completely out of control all at the same time (if that is even possible).  Now, I like to think I am generally a fairly patient person, but that went out the window as well.  I was completely irrational at times.

People would comment about how they know how it is and that it would pass eventually which was appreciated, but didn't really make me feel any better.  It wasn't until I had a friend tell me straight up that they hated life for a while after having a baby that I finally felt some relief.  That was EXACTLY how I was feeling.  I was hating life and I was so grateful I wasn't the only one who had felt this way. Now, don't get me wrong, I was also loving life (I know, I'm completely contradicting myself, but it is true).  I loved my perfect baby and wouldn't have given her back for anything.  I would have even done the whole thing all over again.  But seriously, I was hating life in general.  I wasn't depressed or anything...I was just losing my sanity.  I would yell at people who were helping me most, I would cry at the drop of a hat for no reason at all (not often, but it happened) and I just didn't know what to do.  I questioned what I had gotten myself into; was I really ready to be a mom?  And, the realization that nothing would ever be the same hit me hard and scared me at the same time.  I couldn't even figure out how to get dressed in the morning, take a shower, clean the house (okay...so I still haven't really figured any of those things out).

Maybe some people don't ever feel this way, it sure seems like most people don't by the pictures I see and the way people talk.  I see people with their happy pictures, clean houses, washed hair, clothed bodies (yes, people who have some how managed to get out of the house with clothes on suddenly AMAZE me) and I just don't know how they are doing it.  Maybe I am a horrible person for having those feelings, but knowing I wasn't alone in having them made me feel SO much better.  I feel like so many people dance around it..."it's hard, it will pass, yeah, mine didn't sleep well for a while, it is all worth it, you are doing great, I had a hard time too, I understand exactly what you are going through" but no one straight up says it....it SUCKS.  Not in an I regret it way or even an I would never do it again way...just in an it really sucks way.  So here it is....straight up...it SUCKS! I've turned into a different person, I'm a total stress case, I've hated life in moments, I've done and said things I'm really not proud of....and it's OKAY.  At least I think it is okay. I love my daughter, I love my life, I wouldn't change anything for the world (except maybe her sleeping...I would really like it if she would sleep on her own...at ALL).

For those of you who have never had bad feelings about being a mom....you are AMAZING.  For those of you who are completely positive in everything you do and say, I'm sorry that I'm not as strong as you.  I'm sorry that I'm not as good of a mom as you, a wife as you, a person as you.  For those of you who are happy all the time, you probably think I am completely horrible for willingly admitting any of this. I was worried to admit any of this because I'm sure people will think, oh she is just too young, she wasn't ready, etc. (all things I have been worried people would think about me even BEFORE admitting any of this).  But, if there is anyone else who feels the way I do, you are NOT alone.  That is all I needed to know....and once I learned that I felt sooo much better.

Now, I'm still a stress case at times, I still say things I'm not proud of sometimes, but I think I am finally figuring things out.  I know Maia a lot better, I know my new self a lot better and I'm finally getting the hang of things.  When Maia starts to sleep on her own...even just for a few hours...I'm sure I will be doing even better.  AND, I've figured it all out right before I go back to work on Monday...which is a whole new stress in and of itself.  I have no idea how I'm going to get out the door in under 3 hours, how I'm going to be able to pump enough to feed my kiddo, how I'm going to deal with the separation, or how I'm going to be able to deal with the no sleeping thing now that I'm actually going to be working during the day...I may even feel like it SUCKS....but hey.....even though it sucks, I LOVE my life :).

And for those of you who are in it, and it is hard, you are NOT alone!

The Birth Story

I've been meaning to write this post for 2 1/2 weeks now...but I've just been so tired that I haven't gotten a chance to do it.  I figure at this point I need to write it down before I forget too much, though.  And I also feel like this post needs a disclaimer.....this is the WHOLE birth story....all details...so if you don't want details, now is the time to STOP reading.

If you want details....here they are....

Anyone who knows me well knows that the last thing I wanted was for my baby to come late (which people kept reminding me usually happens with the first child and that I should prepare to be late).  I always thought I would be early...but I also thought that was probably just wishful thinking on my part and I should stop getting my hopes up.  Once I was far enough along (37-38 weeks) I decided I should start walking and going up and down my stairs a million times to try and do everything I could to make sure that if she wanted to come early she could...haha.  So on Thursday (July 12) when my friend Claudia told me she was walking to Walmart...I told her I wanted to walk with her.  We walked to Walmart and then to the park and then back to her house (about 3 miles all together), which I thought was pretty good for someone almost 39 weeks pregnant (though I did have a pretty bad cramp by the time we got to the park and had to sit down for a while).

Anyway....at 3:30 am on Friday (July 13) I woke up with contractions....and they wouldn't go away...and I couldn't sleep through them.  They weren't horrible, just bad enough that I couldn't sleep.  I went downstairs and started timing them...and they were VERY inconsistent.  Like there would be 5 min between then 20 min then 15 min and so on and so on.  They also varied in how painful they were...sometimes they would hurt more and others I would barely feel them.  From everything that I read (and continued to research as these contractions continued...and I had nothing better to do at 3:30 am) "REAL" labor contractions got closer together and more painful as time went on.  What I was experiencing was "FALSE" labor and apparently could continue for weeks on and off.  WONDERFUL.  Well, these contractions continued all day long (thankfully my mom came over and kept me company/took care of me) but didn't get any more consistent.  By 8:00 that night I was sick of them (especially since they were just false labor and meant NOTHING) and I tried to go to bed.  That didn't work out because I still couldn't sleep.  I got up around 9 and then went back to bed again around 10.  I started timing my contractions AGAIN (for like the 5th time that day) and they were still inconsistent.  Around 10:40 pm, as I was having another contraction (I had just grabbed a pen to write down what time it was as I was still timing the contractions), my water broke.  I yelled to Juan, who was downstairs, and he came up.  I called the hospital to let them know my water had broken and they told me that they would get a room ready for me.  I asked how fast I needed to come in and they said since it was my first I could take my time but to come in as soon as I could.  We decided that we would get to the hospital just after midnight (as insurance pays for 2 days in the hospital and if we got there at 11:59 on friday, friday would have counted as one of those days).

We finished packing stuff for the hospital (I had most stuff packed already) and made our way out the door.  We stopped by my parents house...and by the time we got there my contractions had picked up a bit and were about 2 min apart (I'm guessing).  We got back in the car and drove to the hospital (about 15 min away) and my contractions continued to pick up...and boy did they HURT.  As Juan parked the car I got wheeled up to labor and delivery (the guy pushing me asked if I thought this was it....and I told him my water broke...so ya...this was IT).  By the time I checked in (12:04 am) Juan caught up with me and they took us to my room.  The nurse was putting all sorts of information into the computer and hooking me up to monitors and stuff.  Finally around 12:30 or 12:45 she checked me....4 cm.  And then the contractions got PAINFUL....like the nurse must have thought I was a total pansy because I was only at 4 cm (and apparently contractions get a lot worse as you progress) and I was already dying.  She told me it would probably be about 12 hours and once she said that I told her to get me the epidural.  Originally I didn't really want the epidural, but if I was going to have to do this for 12 hours and the pain was supposedly going to get WORSE I wasn't going to make it.

While waiting for the epidural (about 20 min) I told the nurse one of the reasons I was in so much pain was because I felt like I needed to push and I was trying really hard not to.  I asked her if this was normal and she said...."oh, the baby is probably just dropping down....I'll check you again after the epidural."  I told her again about 5 min later and I told her I felt like it wasn't normal and she told me again she would check me, but not until after the epidural.  FINE.  WHATEVER....don't check me.  I was wanting her to check me NOW but heck....this was my first time doing this and she does it every day...so what did I know.  Got the epidural and still felt the pain of needing to push.  I was told that the epidural gets rid of the sharp pain but not pressure pain so that pain wouldn't go away.  GREAT...thanks for waiting till AFTER the epidural to tell me that.  FINALLY, the nurse checked me again (before the epidural even kicked in all the way) and I was 8 cm.  HA!  seriously?  They don't even give epidurals to people who are that far along....guess they should have checked me again before giving it to me.  WHATEVER.  Juan and I were surprised that I had gone from a 4 to an 8 in a half hour...but the nurse told us the last 2 cm usually take the longest and it would probably be 4-6 more hours (at which point I felt better that I did get the epidural...if it was still going to be that long).  The anesthesiologist said, "yeah, this is your first baby....it isn't going to just FALL out of you...it will be a few more hours."

5 min later I told the nurse that I was still REALLY feeling like I needed to push and I wanted her to check me again.  She seemed a little put out, but she humored me and checked me anyway.  "10 cm and ready to go."  SERIOUSLY????  What the heck???  So all the nurses came filing into my room...things got really busy really fast.  The nurse who had been with me was like, "wait, we haven't even finished putting all the information into the computer and signing the rest of the paperwork."  So as I started pushing, Juan finished filling out paperwork and I signed it as they brought it to me.  Thankfully my doctor was right across the hall delivering another baby.  One of the nurses went over and asked how long he would be.  He said about 2 min and she told him that was good because that was about all he had.  He came in and about 30-40 min later, at 2:58 am, we had our little girl in our arms.

And we could not be more in love with our perfect little girl...

My labor was not at all what I expected....it was crazy and fast....and I honestly have no idea if my contractions ever got "regular."  One thing is for sure though....if each labor gets faster, like they say, I'm in trouble for the next one.  The doctor and nurses told me I better get to the hospital fast next time...cause with a labor like that I might not make it the next time around.

For now though.....I'm happy with my one perfect little girl.  

The Waiting Game

Going on 38 weeks pregnant makes life feel like it is a constant waiting game.  You know the baby could get here any second...but at the same time you know it could be (and probably will be) weeks, especially since the majority of first time moms go past their due date.  Still....I tend to hope each day that it will be NOW!  There are a lot of mixed emotions...not feeling totally ready, feeling totally ready (seems like a contradiction, but I somehow feel both at the same time), worrying about the unexpected, wanting to know what this little one will look like, act like, be like...but most of all I'm just anxious to move on with the next chapter of my life.

So, to pass the time I have been trying to keep busy.  I have gotten a few little projects done, thanks in part to nesting, I think.  I never really understood the whole "nesting instinct" thing, but let me tell you...IT IS REAL.  I have had a few days where I have had crazy bursts of energy wanting to make sure every little detail is absolutely PERFECT (to the point of insanity).  It can be a little scary at times, but on the plus side my house has stayed much cleaner than usual lately.  And, though there is always more that needs to get done, I finally feel like I'm ready for the baby whenever she decides to make her appearance.

Some of my "keeping busy" projects:

I made one of those car seat covers

 

I made some pillows for the couch in the baby's room (technically I made one of them a long time ago...and then never finished the project....so I finished it off)

I've been baking and cooking a little bit here and there

And of course I have been trying to get the baby things all ready

Now I will just keep on waiting.....

   

I LOST MY......

I lost my feet.....no seriously....here is what i used to see when I looked down...

Found this picture from when we lived in Vegas

And now I see this....

Where oh where did they go???

And that was me a few weeks ago, now I'm even bigger.  Though I had 2 experiences of random people at the store asking me if I was about 6 months along.  For being more than 8 months along I feel a lot better after being asked that :).

And in other news...school's out for the summer, which means I actually have time to write something on here.  It is my first day of summer vacation and I have so much that I want to do that I don't know what to do with myself and I'm bored out of my mind (does that even make sense???).  I feel like there is just so much to do before the baby comes.  But, to recap a bit, here is what has been going on the past few months besides my belly growing like CRAZY.

We moved to a new apartment.  We live in the same town, but decided to find a bigger place (since we were living in pretty much a shoe box).  Our friends Dave and Gabrielle came to help us move (they had moved to Sacramento the week before and we went there to help them...since Gabrielle is pregnant too the boys helped each other a LOT).  After we moved all the stuff in to our new place, we went and had dinner at the Rainforest Cafe in San Francisco and walked around a bit.

 this is why you don't ask random people to take pictures for you

fishermans wharf

dave and gabrielle at ghirardelli square

juan and me

we got little owl hats for our babies :)

My brother graduated last month with his BA in Animation (okay...i know it is called something more technical than that...but I can never remember what his actual degree is called).

sooo proud

Other than that, we have just been enjoying the beautiful California spring weather, working lots, and trying to get everything ready for when the baby comes.  I personally would appreciate her coming sooner rather than later...but I'm not holding my breath.

I love the spring...it is my favorite