The Truth About Becoming a Mom

I've been debating about whether or not to post this for a long time....and even after I decided to do it I just haven't had the time.  The truth is, this post doesn't really show me in the best of light...so if you are going to judge me AT ALL...you should just stop reading now.  For those of you who can put up with the good, the bad, the ugly, and the REALLY ugly....you have my permission to read on.

Everyone tells you that being a mom is hard.  Every time you hear it you wanna be like "well, duh!" of course it is hard...I mean what is easy about being responsible for another human being?  SERIOUSLY.  What really bothered me though, was people who would tell me this while I was pregnant.  That and people who would say "enjoy your sleep while you can" were my two biggest pet peeves while pregnant.  NOW, however, I realize why they all said what they did...they were really just trying to tell me that when I'm finally in it, and it is hard, I'm not alone (at least I like to think that is what they were trying to say)...but really I wish there was a different way in which they said it.  I have promised myself that I will try and refrain from saying these things to other pregnant people...because it is such a downer in such a happy occasion.

Now that I am a mom I have seen other moms and just don't understand how they do it and stay sooo happy and positive.  Now, maybe I am just totally weak, but I seriously just don't get it.  For the first few weeks after Maia was born, I was really just trying to keep her and me alive...and I really didn't have time or energy for anything else.  I had a baby who didn't sleep unless held, EVER, and so I didn't sleep for the first 6 weeks of her life.  You think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not.  I literally didn't sleep more than 2 1/2 hours in a night....and that was on a REALLY GOOD night (now I've given up and I just try and sleep while holding her).  I took the advice of "sleep when the baby is sleeping" which was only made possible by the fact that my mom lives close and Juan's mom was here helping for a week as well.  What I didn't realize was that by trying sooo hard to take a nap I forgot to eat.  I was then completely sleep deprived, dehydrated, and STARVING.  Those things are NOT a good combination, in case you couldn't figure that out for yourself.

I turned into a complete monster.  It was hard to figure out 2 new bodies at the same time, Maia's and mine.  She was brand new and I was completely 100% responsible for her well being and my body was NOT the body I was used to.  I would "wake up" in the morning (and yes, I mean morning would finally roll around after me not sleeping yet another night) and I would just completely break down.  Nights and mornings were the worst time of the day for me for some reason.  Poor Juan was dealing with me being a total control freak and completely out of control all at the same time (if that is even possible).  Now, I like to think I am generally a fairly patient person, but that went out the window as well.  I was completely irrational at times.

People would comment about how they know how it is and that it would pass eventually which was appreciated, but didn't really make me feel any better.  It wasn't until I had a friend tell me straight up that they hated life for a while after having a baby that I finally felt some relief.  That was EXACTLY how I was feeling.  I was hating life and I was so grateful I wasn't the only one who had felt this way. Now, don't get me wrong, I was also loving life (I know, I'm completely contradicting myself, but it is true).  I loved my perfect baby and wouldn't have given her back for anything.  I would have even done the whole thing all over again.  But seriously, I was hating life in general.  I wasn't depressed or anything...I was just losing my sanity.  I would yell at people who were helping me most, I would cry at the drop of a hat for no reason at all (not often, but it happened) and I just didn't know what to do.  I questioned what I had gotten myself into; was I really ready to be a mom?  And, the realization that nothing would ever be the same hit me hard and scared me at the same time.  I couldn't even figure out how to get dressed in the morning, take a shower, clean the house (okay...so I still haven't really figured any of those things out).

Maybe some people don't ever feel this way, it sure seems like most people don't by the pictures I see and the way people talk.  I see people with their happy pictures, clean houses, washed hair, clothed bodies (yes, people who have some how managed to get out of the house with clothes on suddenly AMAZE me) and I just don't know how they are doing it.  Maybe I am a horrible person for having those feelings, but knowing I wasn't alone in having them made me feel SO much better.  I feel like so many people dance around it..."it's hard, it will pass, yeah, mine didn't sleep well for a while, it is all worth it, you are doing great, I had a hard time too, I understand exactly what you are going through" but no one straight up says it....it SUCKS.  Not in an I regret it way or even an I would never do it again way...just in an it really sucks way.  So here it is....straight up...it SUCKS! I've turned into a different person, I'm a total stress case, I've hated life in moments, I've done and said things I'm really not proud of....and it's OKAY.  At least I think it is okay. I love my daughter, I love my life, I wouldn't change anything for the world (except maybe her sleeping...I would really like it if she would sleep on her own...at ALL).

For those of you who have never had bad feelings about being a mom....you are AMAZING.  For those of you who are completely positive in everything you do and say, I'm sorry that I'm not as strong as you.  I'm sorry that I'm not as good of a mom as you, a wife as you, a person as you.  For those of you who are happy all the time, you probably think I am completely horrible for willingly admitting any of this. I was worried to admit any of this because I'm sure people will think, oh she is just too young, she wasn't ready, etc. (all things I have been worried people would think about me even BEFORE admitting any of this).  But, if there is anyone else who feels the way I do, you are NOT alone.  That is all I needed to know....and once I learned that I felt sooo much better.

Now, I'm still a stress case at times, I still say things I'm not proud of sometimes, but I think I am finally figuring things out.  I know Maia a lot better, I know my new self a lot better and I'm finally getting the hang of things.  When Maia starts to sleep on her own...even just for a few hours...I'm sure I will be doing even better.  AND, I've figured it all out right before I go back to work on Monday...which is a whole new stress in and of itself.  I have no idea how I'm going to get out the door in under 3 hours, how I'm going to be able to pump enough to feed my kiddo, how I'm going to deal with the separation, or how I'm going to be able to deal with the no sleeping thing now that I'm actually going to be working during the day...I may even feel like it SUCKS....but hey.....even though it sucks, I LOVE my life :).

And for those of you who are in it, and it is hard, you are NOT alone!